Sometimes the hardest part about talking to other people isn’t finding the right words to say, but deciding if you should say anything at all.

Abi Inman/NPR

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Abi Inman/NPR

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Should you tell your partner how you really feel about their casserole? Offer a colleague feedback about their subpar interview performance? Let a stranger know she has toilet paper on her shoe?

Sometimes the hardest part about talking to other people isn’t finding the right words to say — but deciding if you should say anything at all, says social psychologist Vanessa Bohns.

“There are times when honesty is the best policy,” she says. “On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any instrumental value.”

Bohns is the author of Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself, published in October. The book provides research-backed strategies to help you figure out when to share the truth or a personal opinion. It also offers advice on when to share good news, say sorry or be vulnerable.

There’s a reason why giving difficult feedback or even loving criticism can feel like a dilemma. “It pains us to embarrass or hurt other people,” Bohns says. So we don’t tend to like doing it. In fact, there’s a name for the phenomenon — the MUM effect, or minimizing unpleasant messages.

But with care and intention, it’s possible to make informed choices about when to speak up or stay quiet, no matter how small or big the situation. Bohns shares three questions to ask yourself before sharing an opinion.

Is this information helpful? 

When you decide to tell someone something, remember you’re sharing two things: the message itself, and the fact that you are choosing to speak up at all, Bohns says.

People often spend far too much time worrying about the content of their messages, she says. “But the choice of saying something at all communicates so much. It says, ‘I see you. I care about your suffering. I want to help you in some way.'”

So, before telling your boss/spouse/mother-in-law how you really feel about that new haircut, Bohn says to consider whether your feedback is actionable.

Honesty is only the best policy if your opinion is going to help someone “perform better or avoid embarrassment or learn something about themselves.” If your feedback is mean-spirited, unrelated to the matter at hand or simply can’t be enacted, you’re probably better off holding your tongue.

For example, flat-out telling your roommate the cake she baked for your birthday tastes terrible? That’s just mean. But if she bakes that same cake to enter into a baking competition? It would be mean not to offer her some feedback!