When I helped my daughter move into her UCLA dorm last fall, I thought I had prepared myself for everything. From planned tuition payments to dorm “needs” to a well-stocked first aid kit, I had spreadsheets, checklists, dorm shopping lists, and enough blue moving bags to organize a small apartment.

Nine months later, and as I waited for my daughter to finish packing up her freshman dorm room, something surprised me. The things I had spent the most time worrying about weren’t the things that mattered the most.

A few days later, we began the 1,000-mile trip home to Washington in a packed van, with almost half of his belongings stored in a Los Angeles storage unit until the second year.

Somewhere along the way, I found myself thinking about everything those nine months had meant to both of us and wondering how a college freshman had accumulated so much. Then I realized that extra stuff wasn’t clutter. It was evidence of a life well lived.

If you’re preparing to send your child to college for the first time, here’s what I wish someone had told me.

First, you will probably buy too much

Like many parents, I wanted my daughter to have everything she might need before I left, so I wouldn’t worry. At the time of moving in, some of those purchases had not yet been used.

One item didn’t even come out of the box: the Woozoo fan I bought before I realized her bedroom had air conditioning. This was the article that Facebook told me was a must-have.

If I could do it over again, I would buy less before moving and wait until she really needed something. Amazon delivers to college campuses surprisingly quickly, and throughout the year, we ship everything from school supplies and clothing to medications, energy drinks, and even a floor lamp for a theater project.

I had a budget for the move, but not for the first year.

The expenses that mattered most weren’t storage containers or organizers.

It was the Starbucks gift cards during tough weeks, the occasional DoorDash order after long rehearsals, and the handwritten notes she asked me to send her after telling me, “Mom, please send mail.”

Those small gestures reminded him that home was never far away, not even 1,000 miles away.

Trust that your child is more capable than you think

Before college, I felt responsible for solving all problems. During the first year, I discovered that sometimes my job wasn’t to fix anything. It was simply listening.

Our daughter called almost every day, sometimes several times a day, during especially stressful weeks. I learned that what I said mattered less than how I sounded. Sometimes she didn’t seek advice. She simply needed a safe place to vent before figuring things out for herself.

She endured difficult classes, a challenging roommate situation, theater productions, a marching band, and friendships that would shape her college experience. Every challenge he faced without me gave him more confidence.

It wasn’t always easy to see. But it was exactly what I needed.

Finally, understand that college changes parents too.

I expected my daughter to grow during the first year. I didn’t expect how much I would change too. At some point between entry and exit, my role changed.

I stopped trying to manage every detail of his life and became someone he asked for perspective instead of direction. Seeing her become more independent didn’t make us any less close. It just changed the way we were close.

As we loaded the last of the blue bags into the van, I realized that I was not bringing home the same young woman I had left behind nine months earlier. She was more confident, more resilient and more sure of herself. And somewhere along the way I had changed too.