Ever since becoming a mom 12 years ago, most of my work has been freelance.

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Being self-employed has always been the only way I could work, as my partner has no flexibility in his job, we haven’t had family who could consistently watch the kids, and I couldn’t afford to put my three kids in childcare.

If I wanted to make money and keep my résumé up to date, working for myself was the only option. It gave me the flexibility I needed.

I struggled to get freelance work

However, last November, running my own freelance journalism business became overwhelming. I watched as publication after publication laid off staff, leading to increased competition in the freelance market. I was struggling to get work, struggling to cope with rejection, struggling with inconsistency.

I knew the time had come to abandon self-employment and seek full-time employment instead. My kids were all in school, and after school, it would be fine to just watch TV or play games until I could shut off my computer.

Fortunately, I found two part-time jobs fairly quickly — working to support victims of domestic abuse and also reporting for a publication about the South Wales valleys, where I now call home. They both started in January.

Both my kids and I had to adjust

The first five months were a whirlwind as my kids and I adjusted to my new schedule. Our dinners were often grilled cheese with cucumber on the side, the house has been a constant mess, and I haven’t been able to attend every event the school invites parents to.

But nothing could prepare me for the summer holidays as an employed mom. Here in the UK, kids are out of school from the middle of July until the end of August — about six to seven weeks.

We are all still adjusting to my being fully employed.

When I was freelancing, I spent most of the summer freaking out about where my work would come from. Staff would be on vacation, content had been pre-planned, and there was a skeletal staff. Everything was quiet. Even though I worked hard to get work, I struggled to find any. That meant inconsistent income during one of the most expensive times of the year for parents.

Now I know every month, I’ve got a paycheck coming in — even in the summer months. That’s a huge weight lifted.

Even though the work feels like a lot, now that I’m employed, I do have consistent workdays and times, which means I can make summer plans for the kids. I signed them up for a free morning camp at their school for two weeks, asked friends to have them on days I know I have phone calls, bought a gym membership for my eldest so he can get out of the house while I’m working, and their grandparents agreed to take them out for a couple of days. I also plan hours of gaming and TV time when there is no other childcare option.

I miss spending time with my kids

I miss having fun with my kids. My three boys are full of energy and life, and I would love to spend more time with them during the summer.

When I was self-employed, I’d take them for unhurried walks, go to cafés, watch mid-afternoon movies with popcorn, do art projects, and just wander aimlessly through shops. This year, we have had the hottest summer on record in the UK, and I would have loved to escape to the beach with them, but I can’t.

Instead, I have been attempting to find ways to keep them busy while I work. Planning childcare and activities to occupy them has become a job in itself. I’m all for letting them get bored, but when they do, they argue, ask for snacks, and interrupt my work. In the line of work I’m in, I can’t be interrupted, so it’s imperative that they have things to do. If not, I use technology.

They are watching a lot of TV and playing a lot of games. This isn’t educational content — it’s mind-numbing. But if there is nowhere else for them to go and I have to get phone calls done and meet deadlines, it’s the best way to keep them quiet. I’m telling myself that I used to watch a lot of TV during the summers when I was a kid, and I turned out OK.

Our house has stacks everywhere, literally everywhere. Stacks of clothes — clean and dirty. Stacks of dishes. Stacks of papers. Stacks of toys. Stacks of books. Stacks of things to go upstairs and downstairs. I collect things from around the house and put them away before I go to bed — at least the house can then appear tidy — but actual cleaning has gone out the window. I’m considering hiring a cleaner to come and do an end-of-summer deep clean.

All of the above has led to extreme mom guilt. Parenting young children while working full-time is a mammoth task. I may not be doing it perfectly, but I’m doing it, and my kids are happy, safe, and loved — that’s what matters most.