Karen McNenny is a certified divorce counselor, certified co-parenting specialist, and author of the book. The good divorce: how to end your marriage without ending your family. Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR hide title toggle title Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR When Karen McNenny was facing divorce about 15 years ago, she was afraid of what it would mean
Karen McNenny is a certified divorce counselor, certified co-parenting specialist, and author of the book. The good divorce: how to end your marriage without ending your family.
Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR
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When Karen McNenny was facing divorce about 15 years ago, she was afraid of what it would mean for her future: desperation, debt and a lifetime of resentment, she says.
At the same time he thought about his two children, he says. He didn’t want his father to become his enemy.
So she and her ex-husband decided to approach the divorce differently as a couple. “We are going to renew and transform this family. We are not going to destroy it,” he says. “The marriage is ending, not your relationship.”
For McNenny, a mediator, certified divorce counselor, and certified co-parenting specialist, divorce is a tool, not a weapon. She expands on this concept in The good divorce: how to end your marriage without ending your familythat came out this spring. The book offers guidance on how to maintain compassionate and respectful bonds with an ex-spouse while healing and moving forward.
According to the Pew Research Center, one-third of Americans who were ever married had a first marriage that ended in divorce. For that reason, McNenny hopes her book becomes required reading for couples before they get married. “The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about it,” he says.
He shared insights from his book in a conversation with Life Kit. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
The book is called The good divorce. What does that mean?
[For those with kids,] Good divorce is about protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage.
Once the paperwork is finalized and assets divided, can you and your partner sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game? Can they still see themselves as a partnership, with the ability to have thoughtful conversations about their children?
For those who do not have children, [the good divorce is] about protecting your health: your mental health and your physical health. If we double down on resentment and bitterness, all of that is stored in the body and manifests in different ways. You deserve a path that is less destructive.
Let me also be clear: there are times when a friendly, collaborative process is not possible and perhaps even inappropriate. For example, when there is active addiction, abuse, domestic violence, coercion or uncontrolled mental health problems.
How do you get to a point where you don’t feel provoked by your partner, so that you can both work together to achieve a good divorce?
That, my dear, doesn’t happen overnight. That’s more like a dimmer switch that goes up and down and up and down, and the gift of time helps you get there.
It is a complex emotional journey because we feel relief by getting away from our spouse and challenges. But divorce also carries extraordinary pain that, in my opinion, is often underestimated and unsupported.
If my spouse had died, people would have consulted me regularly. I would never have spent a vacation alone that first year. There probably would have been a food train.
But he didn’t die. My marriage died, my family structure died, my identity as a wife and partner died. There is so much pain through these transformations that come with divorce that we don’t see.
So, supporting your friends in all those ways that you would pretend there had been a real death is a huge help for your friends who are going through a divorce.
How do you let your friends, family, and community know that you are getting divorced and might need support?
Put together a communication strategy. It’s not just about how we tell it to children. It is also a communication strategy for grandparents; to the circle of support that surrounds children, such as teachers, coaches and mentors; and our shared community.
It’s extraordinary when a couple can write that message together, similar to a marriage announcement. [You might say:] We have made a really difficult decision. We wanted to let you know. We are not going to go to court. Don’t expect a battle. Please don’t ask us why. Ask us how we are. We are on the same side as the children. It is not necessary to choose sides.
By doing so, we have given everyone the same information at once. It’s a unified message that comes from the parent team and lets your community know how best to support you. And eliminate all gossip and questions about what’s going on.
If you have children and they split their time between two homes, what are some ways to make that change easier for them?
Our kids were 5 and 7 when we got divorced, so we were at each house three or four nights in a row. When they were 8 or 10 years old, it made sense to spend a week in each residence. After COVID, kids came to us and said, “Can we spend two weeks in a house? We want to be able to settle in more.” [So we said] OK.
Many parents are very rigid with the schedule. There is no flexibility. That doesn’t help anyone. That’s why I recommend freeing yourself from the calendar and letting it grow and adapt appropriately to your children.
Knowing what you know now about divorce, what questions do you think couples should ask themselves before getting married?
Very often, when people reach the threshold of divorce, couples say, “We don’t know what we’re doing.” Find out about the commercial part.
There is nothing wrong with having a prenuptial agreement. Even if you decided not to file, discuss the implications. What does it mean if we buy this house together? What does it mean for one of us to work more and the other to work less?
We also underestimate what it means to be roommates. What are your value systems around cooking and cleaning? How much time alone do you need? It’s easy to fall in love and not know if you are compatible.
Do you think you would get married again?
I absolutely hope to be able to say yes to a lifelong commitment to a partner, as I believe we often have the opportunity to become a better version of ourselves through partnership.
The story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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